Mom go Home Your’re Drunk

How do you gracefully cut off your own mother when she has had too much to drink…Bartender problems.

-Chase

Girls Are Assholes: At a Bar

We Know How to Party

I am pretty sure 75% of the waiting staff at my restaurant are going to be more drunk than their customers this Cinco de Mayo….

– James

The Sexual Tension was Ridiculous

Had two regulars that would come in for Bears games like clockwork. Never missed a game in the two years I worked there. Nice guys married with kids and working as house painters. One looked like Michael Chiklis the other looked like Ned from Groundhog’s day. One day they get fall down sloppy and start causing a ruckus. I tell them that they have to clear out and they stumble to the sidewalk. Five minutes later everyone in the bar is gathering around the front window. I look out and these two dudes are making out in the middle of Clark Street. Never saw them again.

-Chad

Are You on Drugs

This dude comes in to my bar, acting pretty normal. Two beers in, out of nowhere, he decides someone is going to shoot him and that someone is hiding in the bar. I’m assuming the shrooms hit or something. This guy backs up to the wall and starts screaming for everyone to back off. When the bouncer approaches, he starts screaming “YOU’RE GOING TO KILL ME AREN’T YOU?!” On and on until finally, he just bolts out the front door at full speed. Assuming that was it, normal bar business resumes.

Then cops show up looking for the bouncer who “threatened to kill this man while brandishing a weapon.” Apparently this idiot ran down the road until he saw a cop car which he then jumped in front of while screaming “THEY’RE TRYING TO KILL ME!” So everyone explains to the cops that this guy has lost it and no one here has a gun, let alone is trying to kill him. The cops look at the bouncer and say “Are you on drugs?” “Umm no.” “Is he on drugs?” “Probably.” “Okay. Have a good one.” And that guy promptly went to jail.

-Jason

He Tried to Fight the Parking Lot, he Lost we all Won

A guy falls asleep at the bar, so I tell his friends that he has to go. They say no problem, but they need help getting him into the car. So I pick him up and basically carry him to their car, while the friend goes to the drivers side the guy sobers up enough to stand and looks me in the eye and asks “Is my dick hanging out?” I reluctantly look down and say “No” He says “Well it better be, cause I’m pissin’.”

His friends just put him in the car and come back inside and keep drinking. about two hours later “sleepy piss pants” comes back into the bar with asphalt burns all over his head, hands, arms. yelling about “Some black guys” that jumped him. We check the surveillance footage, and the “Black guys” ended up being the parking lot. He stumbled his way out of the vehicle onto the pavement and proceeded to fight the parking lot. He lost. We all won. I wish I had saved that footage.

-Bobby

Classic Bartender Equation

(6 single WOO Girls) + (47 sugary shooters) = me the bartender spending an extra hour after my shift cleaning up their puke

-Tom

Jose Swerve-Oh

I had a woman order a shot of “Jose Swerve-Oh”…..Then proceed to tell me about her 3 DUIs

-April

You Made Our Night

Last New Years Eve a guy trying to impress two chicks ordered three bottles of our most expensive champagne ($600 a bottle) and paid on card. He asked us to open all three, then changed his mind and asked us to keep two open bottles in the fridge for later and then took one over to the ladies who were all over him like a rash.

He was already so drunk that he forgot about the other two bottles. At the end of the night, he took one of girls home and left without reminding us of the other bottles.

So, not wanting to waste any champagne, my two bar buddies and I proceeded to drink two magnums (seeing as they were already paid for) whilst cleaning up the bar and had a great night. Never saw the guy again, but THANKS, YOU MADE OUR NIGHT.

-David

Here’s my ID! USA! USA!

Bartender at an Applebees: One night this total redneck (long hair, scruffy beard) comes in, sits at the bar, and after i give him a few beers i notice he’s annihilated (must have been drinking before) so i cut him off. He’s not happy with this but rules are rules so whatever. Anyways I go to the bathroom and on the way back hear the barback, who was this tiny girl, yelling at him to stop. He has gone behind the bar and is trying to pry the cash register open with a spoon. I confront him and tell him to knock it off or i’m calling the cops, and he says “GO AHEAD, CALL THE FUCKING COPS… ITS A FREE COUNTRY.” So i phone the police and they show up about 5 minutes later.

So the cops show up (at this point he was back on the other side of the bar) and ask him for his ID. “ID, YOU WANT TO SEE MY ID?” he yells, and takes off his wife beater. He’s got an enormous tattoo of a bald eagle with the american flag behind it on his chest, and he points to it and yells at the cops “THERES MY FUCKING ID! THAT GOOD NUFF FOR YAH! USA USA (he seriously started chanting that.)” So the cops promptly walk him out, in hand cuffs.

-Chris