Shit People Say to Bartenders

We want fun shots 

Light Ice

Ugh I hate this conversation……

Customer: “uuuhh excuse me gurl, can I axe you a question?”

Me: “Yes ma’am?”

Customer: “If I was to be orderin my Long Island iced tea wif light ice dats means I get more alcohol rightttt?”

Me: (what I am thinking) “No you don’t get any more fucking alcohol you cheap asshole, and go tell all your ghetto friends that isn’t how it works anywhere on the fucking planet, we don’t just replace water with booze!”

(What I said) “No sorry ma’am the drink will be served in a smaller glass”

FML

-Brittany

Mom go Home Your’re Drunk

How do you gracefully cut off your own mother when she has had too much to drink…Bartender problems.

-Chase

I’ll be Your Customer Tonight

Me: “Hi, I’m Megan, I’ll be your waitress tonight.”

Customer: “Well, hi, I’m Joe and I’ll be your customer for tonight”

Oh, the laughs that were had. ._.

-Megan

He Tried to Fight the Parking Lot, he Lost we all Won

A guy falls asleep at the bar, so I tell his friends that he has to go. They say no problem, but they need help getting him into the car. So I pick him up and basically carry him to their car, while the friend goes to the drivers side the guy sobers up enough to stand and looks me in the eye and asks “Is my dick hanging out?” I reluctantly look down and say “No” He says “Well it better be, cause I’m pissin’.”

His friends just put him in the car and come back inside and keep drinking. about two hours later “sleepy piss pants” comes back into the bar with asphalt burns all over his head, hands, arms. yelling about “Some black guys” that jumped him. We check the surveillance footage, and the “Black guys” ended up being the parking lot. He stumbled his way out of the vehicle onto the pavement and proceeded to fight the parking lot. He lost. We all won. I wish I had saved that footage.

-Bobby

The Worst Wig I’ve Ever Seen

So this guy comes in to the bar wearing the worst wig I’ve ever seen. Like blow dried road kill. His head looks like one of those organic eggs that still has a feather on it.

I try my best not to look at it, but it’s practically growling at me. I say ‘Hello’. I take his drink order. I make his drink. I ring it up on the register, and without even noticing I say to him, “Okay sir, would you like to pay now or to pay later.”

-Ross

Bartending at a Swim-up Bar in Vegas, Then I See it

I found this site today and I love it! For your pleasure here is by far my best bartending story of my 12 year bartending career. I worked at a swim up bar at a pool party in Las Vegas for 3 filthy years. One raging Saturday afternoon I had a drunk chick sit at my bar for a good 3 hours. I learned that she had been dieting for this trip for 2 weeks drinking nothing but juice. She was pleasant and it was busy so I started pouring her shots on the house. 4 shots down I could tell she was wasted then I saw it…a merky cloud in the water behind her. At first I thought is was a spilled drink then she yelled “shit!” and booked it out of the pool. This broad shit in the pool right in front of me…a merky 2 week juice diet shit.

-Chad

Gimme a Yeasty Beer, I Need to Breast Feed

Bartending this afternoon when a 30 something mom plops her baby on my bar top and says “gimme a yeasty beer I need to breast feed” Uhhh how about the number to child services instead?

-Joel

Classic Bartender Equation

(6 single WOO Girls) + (47 sugary shooters) = me the bartender spending an extra hour after my shift cleaning up their puke

-Tom

Shit Food Chef

Once a customer wrote ‘shit food chef’ incredibly neatly in the sauce on his plate. I was amazed at the detail and symmetry of his lettering.

-Robert