Roast Beef is Beef

“My roast beef tastes too much like beef”…actual complaint, uh sir are you fucking kidding me, It will never cease to amaze me how dumb some people can be.

-Toni

He Always Does This!

I happened to be waitressing one evening when I large tourist family of seven sits down. Long story short, the father kept sending his food back insisting it wasn’t what he ordered. Then he demanded a free meal for his whole family. My boss came out, handled the shit out of the situation. But then the wife gets up crying, yelling that he always does this, and then flings her drink at her husband and storms off.

-Violet

Artichoke Dip

An actual question:

“Ummmm excuse me miss! Does your artichoke dip have artichokes in it??”

***face palm***

-Danny

The Awkward Family Fight

Last night I had the “pleasure” of waiting on a table of 8: granddad, grandma, aunts, husband, wife, all relatives. The husband & wife brought in their two screaming children ages 2-5. So they’re loud, their kids are loud, they are rude from the start, and they ignore me whenever I ask basic questions. Annnnnnnd they were encouraging them to yell and letting them run around through the galley where hot plates of food are sent out.

Beyond letting their spawn run wild, they fail to answer me or acknowledge me, or even look at me when I retrieve many of the items they asked for. I bring over some items to keep the kids satisfied, and the wife asks to have her kid’s food comped because she doesn’t like it. All some of my biggest pet peeves as a waitress, but I try to not let it get to me.

Fast forward 30 minutes, The wife bursts into tears and one of the aunts starts yelling across the table “I can’t believe you! You’re OUTTA LINE!” Frozen holding a food tray, I wonder if I should continue serving pasta while the yelling happens. The grandma tugs on my arm and assures me it’s not me, and not to worry about it. It continues.. “FINE, whatever, Susan. You are RIDICULOUS!” “Yeah? Am I? AM I?”

Every other table in the room is starting to fall silent. Next thing I know, a full on Talladega Nights-style family fight with tears and name calling has begun; the wife runs out of the restaurant in tears and the ancient grandpa looks like he is praying for death after his relatives’ lack of manners. “I’m so sorry about my horrible sister in law,” one of them says. “Uhh. It’s okay.” I say, not really sure what is going on anymore. The wife has fled outside crying to the place where we take our smoke breaks, and our other employees are starting to get confused.

But they don’t leave. They stay, for quite awhile, and continue to argue. I wait til they finally flag me down and I go to hand them their check – and yes, they are still arguing. “I already added the gratuity!” I remind them, as I hand the slip to the aunt. “Yeah, okay” they say as they sort of blow me off again.But the story has a happy ending. Hundred dollar check AFTER gratuity. They tipped me about 20 on top of that because they were too busy fighting.

DOUBLE TIP.

-Tara

I Only Have $30 and we All Need Food And Desert

I work at a national chain restaurant. A woman came in with her three small, unruly children. I greet the table with a smile but before I am able to get anything out of my mouth she says: “I have 30 dollars. That’s all. You need to make sure that the bill isn’t over 30 dollars and we all need to eat and have ice cream.”

Ummm are you kidding me? How the hell is that MY responsibility?! Great, so I am clearly not getting a tip and now I have to do math on top of it. It ended up being one of the most difficult dinner/dessert service of my life (complete with MANY substitutions, send backs, and my manager having to comp due to her dissatisfaction) the bill came to $29.84…AND SHE HAD THE NERVE TO LEAVE THE CHANGE ON THE TABLE.

-Raleigh

Light Ice

Ugh I hate this conversation……

Customer: “uuuhh excuse me gurl, can I axe you a question?”

Me: “Yes ma’am?”

Customer: “If I was to be orderin my Long Island iced tea wif light ice dats means I get more alcohol rightttt?”

Me: (what I am thinking) “No you don’t get any more fucking alcohol you cheap asshole, and go tell all your ghetto friends that isn’t how it works anywhere on the fucking planet, we don’t just replace water with booze!”

(What I said) “No sorry ma’am the drink will be served in a smaller glass”

FML

-Brittany

Never Seen a Double Chin Wobble So Hard

I’m a chef that works at a casino (multiple food outlets) any ways one of the outlets is a buffet. We get some of the worst penny pinching people I have ever met in my entire life.

This one guy comes in every Saturday lunch with a group of lackeys. He is a short fat balding man who wears a god awful tupe. Any ways its a buffet as I mentioned and the food offerings change daily, nut without fail he will come up and request a heap of food we don’t have. Piss off all the waitresses and send his food back, or try to get it comped.

He also does this thing where he gets up and fills a plate of food to the absolute fucking top and then asks it to be wrapped in foil. So i pop out to my head chef and tell him whats going on and he says “oh hes been doing it for years apparently its for his son, who is sick.”

This guys been doing this for years YEARS. should of seen him the day they told him he had to stop taking free food home. Never seen a double chin wobble so hard.

-Caesar

Nothing Goes Better With Steak Than…

Tonight I witnessed someone eat a juicy medium rare bacon wrapped filet mignon with ketchup

*facepalm*

-Brandon

Then he Pelvic-Thrusts His Way Back to The Kitchen

I was training at a new restaurant. My trainer and I get sat a party of eight. Couples. Business guys taking the wives out for a night on the town. Cocktails flow. Appetizers disappear. Finally my trainer is making the rounds, taking orders. He’s already discussed the night’s specials in detail, already sold a couple of $40+ entrees. He gets to The Loud Guy. This guy has a few drinks in him and has decided to impress everyone with how awesome and knowledgeable he is. So of course he asks my trainer to repeat all the specials. He does. Dude starts drilling down to specific ingredients, even asking what kind of herbs are in the béarnaise sauce (it’s tarragon, moron, it’s a fucking béarnaise sauce).

Now, this is at 8 PM on a Friday night and we have 3 other tables of 4 already seated. I’m doing what I can, but my trainer is trapped at this eight-top. Loud Guy keeps asking stupid questions and wanting to chat.
Finally my trainer says, “Sir? I’m sorry, but I have other tables that need my attention. May I take your order?”
Loud guy freaks. How rude, blah blah blah.
My trainer looks at him and says, “I’m sorry sir, I didn’t realize I was here to entertain you.” And then he starts dancing. Like, John Travolta in Saturday Night Fever disco moves. He boogies around the whole table, says to me “Get this guy’s order!” and pelvic-thrusts his way back to the kitchen, leaving the eight-top speechless.
The guy ordered a steak. Medium well. Asshole.

-Annie

I Actually Got an Apology Letter

When working as a fast food manager, we changed our store hours from being open 24 hours to closing at midnight. The business just wasn’t there to stay open all night. I had a customer try to come through the drive through, my employee told him that we were closed, sorry. The guy proceeded to yell and scream at my employee and even threatened him.

He then pulled into a parking lot next door and got out of his truck and started throwing beer cans at my store. I then called the police, but could only get a partial plate number. Well, as it turned out he called our 800 number that was listed on the window to complain, I then had his phone number, address and name.

The cops tracked him down and I actually got an apology letter that was addressed from the county court office. They made him write an apology letter! Gotcha Sucka!

-Cheri