I used to work at restaurants as a college student making balloon animals for tips. Every group of exclusively women would ask for a penis of some variation. One woman asked for MY penis, not with words, but by fondling it while she delivered my $3 tip into my apron…
-Chad
“My roast beef tastes too much like beef”…actual complaint, uh sir are you fucking kidding me, It will never cease to amaze me how dumb some people can be.
-Toni
We had a two top and initially we thought it was a date. Would have been the worst date ever though because the girl was on her phone the whole time. This is before smart phones mind you. She was just texting and talking to friends the whole time and didn’t give a second of attention to her companion.
He finishes up and excuses himself from the table for a moment and walks out into the lobby. He tells the hostess that that was his roommate with whom he’d made plans several day before to come out for a nice dinner. But since she treated him like he wasn’t there, he decided that she could pay the bill and find her own way home. Then he walked out the door and left.
-John
I happened to be waitressing one evening when I large tourist family of seven sits down. Long story short, the father kept sending his food back insisting it wasn’t what he ordered. Then he demanded a free meal for his whole family. My boss came out, handled the shit out of the situation. But then the wife gets up crying, yelling that he always does this, and then flings her drink at her husband and storms off.
-Violet
An actual question:
“Ummmm excuse me miss! Does your artichoke dip have artichokes in it??”
***face palm***
-Danny
Last night I had the “pleasure” of waiting on a table of 8: granddad, grandma, aunts, husband, wife, all relatives. The husband & wife brought in their two screaming children ages 2-5. So they’re loud, their kids are loud, they are rude from the start, and they ignore me whenever I ask basic questions. Annnnnnnd they were encouraging them to yell and letting them run around through the galley where hot plates of food are sent out.
Beyond letting their spawn run wild, they fail to answer me or acknowledge me, or even look at me when I retrieve many of the items they asked for. I bring over some items to keep the kids satisfied, and the wife asks to have her kid’s food comped because she doesn’t like it. All some of my biggest pet peeves as a waitress, but I try to not let it get to me.
Fast forward 30 minutes, The wife bursts into tears and one of the aunts starts yelling across the table “I can’t believe you! You’re OUTTA LINE!” Frozen holding a food tray, I wonder if I should continue serving pasta while the yelling happens. The grandma tugs on my arm and assures me it’s not me, and not to worry about it. It continues.. “FINE, whatever, Susan. You are RIDICULOUS!” “Yeah? Am I? AM I?”
Every other table in the room is starting to fall silent. Next thing I know, a full on Talladega Nights-style family fight with tears and name calling has begun; the wife runs out of the restaurant in tears and the ancient grandpa looks like he is praying for death after his relatives’ lack of manners. “I’m so sorry about my horrible sister in law,” one of them says. “Uhh. It’s okay.” I say, not really sure what is going on anymore. The wife has fled outside crying to the place where we take our smoke breaks, and our other employees are starting to get confused.
But they don’t leave. They stay, for quite awhile, and continue to argue. I wait til they finally flag me down and I go to hand them their check – and yes, they are still arguing. “I already added the gratuity!” I remind them, as I hand the slip to the aunt. “Yeah, okay” they say as they sort of blow me off again.But the story has a happy ending. Hundred dollar check AFTER gratuity. They tipped me about 20 on top of that because they were too busy fighting.
DOUBLE TIP.
-Tara
We want fun shots
Ugh I hate this conversation……
Customer: “uuuhh excuse me gurl, can I axe you a question?”
Me: “Yes ma’am?”
Customer: “If I was to be orderin my Long Island iced tea wif light ice dats means I get more alcohol rightttt?”
Me: (what I am thinking) “No you don’t get any more fucking alcohol you cheap asshole, and go tell all your ghetto friends that isn’t how it works anywhere on the fucking planet, we don’t just replace water with booze!”
(What I said) “No sorry ma’am the drink will be served in a smaller glass”
FML
-Brittany
Confetti Makers – People who find any little bits of paper on the table and tear them into tiny ass chunks, leaving a mess. Do you do this at home? Would you like your house guests to do this? This goes for people who peel labels off bottles…Are you nervous? Do you break out in OCD every time you are in a social environment? Is your company boring? WTF is going on with this? This rant is inspired by a table that literally made a mountain of ripped up coasters in the middle of the table. I didn’t even give them that many coasters to make a pile so big…
-Daniel
How do you gracefully cut off your own mother when she has had too much to drink…Bartender problems.
-Chase
Break Room Stories