I Am Feeling Bud Light

Me: “Hey, how are you doing this evening?”

Customer: “Bud Light”

I’ve never felt “Bud Light” before, but it doesn’t sound pleasant.

-Tom

The Shitter Graffiti Artist

Do people take time to carve things into the toilet seats at your restaurant? Nothing says gangster like carving your gang symbol where people put their bare asses and take a shit? I guess that carving technique they learned in Shawshank State Penitentiary can finally reach the wide audience they dreamed about while sharpening shivs on Cell Block E. It’s finally happening for you homeboy.

-Jorge

Some People Should Not Be Allowed to Reproduce

I have been asked to fulfill the following requests by customers in the restaurant I work at:

“I need you to change your carpets. That pattern makes me feel like I dont want to eat anymore, which is a waste of your time”

“My 14 year old has a toothache, can he have a shot of vodka?”

“Can you please play this CD in your sound system? Its my boyfriend singing. There are only 2 really dirty songs on it that you can just skip”

Some people should not be allowed to reproduce

-Chris

Get Out of the Way

I hate when people are standing in the middle of a pathway/in a doorway/in an outer corner where I am running food/drinks/extra ranch……MOVE bitch. Get out the way. Get out the way fo I run you over with this tray.

-Ileen

14 Horrifying Confessions From Fast Food Workers

Is Sex on The Menu?

Me: “Will you be having dessert this evening?”

Old Man: “I was going to ask for sex but I assume that isn’t on the menu….is it?”

Me: “Just a minute, I’ll ask our 6’5″ chef Hugo if he’s got any in the back.”

-Kylie

Ima Look the Same Sittin’ Down

A “guest” walks up to the host stand with a plate of mostly eaten fries in her hand.

Woman: (rudely interrupting the hosts helping another guest) ‘Scuse me!! My waitress is “too busy” to come help our table
Host: What can we do for you, ma’am?
Woman: My fries is cold. I need new ones

Mind you, the woman was STILL chewing on fries

Host: (confused as to what to do) Well, let me find your server because we may need to charge you for a new side.
Woman: You ain’t charging me for no new fries!! These was cold. I ain’t satisfied

At this point, I step in to aid the obviously confused/annoyed hosts

Me: Ma’am, is there something I can help you with?
Woman: (again, rudely) She ALREADY helping me.
Me: Oh, well, why don’t you tell me where you are sitting and I can bring you a new plate of fresh, hot fries
Woman: I don’t know where the fuck my table is! I don’t know the number!!
Me: OK, well, how about you SHOW me where your table is so we can bring you those fries
Woman: You can come find me! Ima look the same sittin’ down!

-Tommy

The Noises People Make When They Eat

Are fucking gross, that is all.

-Jenny

Business Lunch Revenge

I made a post about business lunches a couple of days ago. I got fed up! Today this pompous prick came in again, sat in my section again, and was a douche bag again. So when he paid with his credit card I came back to the table and said, “sorry sir but your card was declined.” He demanded that I try it again. To which I replied, “Sorry but I ran it 3 times.” He got super flustered and one of his associates picked up the tab. I hope he learned a lesson!

-Brad

Salad Bar Miner

Today I witnessed a man digging into his butt crack (inside his pants) for a good five seconds, then immediately reached for the tongs at a salad bar.

-Brad