The Sexual Tension was Ridiculous

Had two regulars that would come in for Bears games like clockwork. Never missed a game in the two years I worked there. Nice guys married with kids and working as house painters. One looked like Michael Chiklis the other looked like Ned from Groundhog’s day. One day they get fall down sloppy and start causing a ruckus. I tell them that they have to clear out and they stumble to the sidewalk. Five minutes later everyone in the bar is gathering around the front window. I look out and these two dudes are making out in the middle of Clark Street. Never saw them again.

-Chad

Funny Old Lady

I bartend. One afternoon a middle aged couple came in with an old (80?) lady they referred to as Grandma. Grandma seemed a little confused and they talked to her like she was a child. The middle aged lady made a comment about being hungry and then Grandma says very loudly, “Have you ever been so hungry you could eat the ass out of a dead skunk?” I almost fell over behind the bar I was laughing so hard.

-Trevor

Jose Swerve-Oh

I had a woman order a shot of “Jose Swerve-Oh”…..Then proceed to tell me about her 3 DUIs

-April

Weak Drink?

I was bartending at a chain restaurant- so all drinks are made with measured pours and follow a recipe. A server orders a margarita for a table- and she brings it back. “This guy wants me to ask you if you used anything other than juice in this drink”- she said to me. Are you for real? I went to the table to confront the dick that insulted my recipe following skills. “I’m sorry to hear you do not like our margaritas, is there something else you would like instead?”… The guy was like “No, I just want to make sure there was alcohol in my drink. Its fine, Ill just drink this – really its just fine” …… but I grabbed his drink and insisted I make him a fresh one special for him. I brought him a new drink and watched him drink it. “Wow- this is much better, thank you so much!” BTW His new special drink had zero alcohol in it this time.

Don’t fuck with me, and don’t insult me or my servers. If you don’t like your drink, don’t be rude about it to the server because she didn’t make it. Be nice and we can work something out- otherwise shut up and drink my juice.

-Dan

What Just Flew Past my Head? Bartender Story

Hmm. On the first day working at a bar, I am walking in, and something goes flying past my head. As I am trying to figure out what it was, the day bartender begins to scream, “Greg, no fucking way! Not again, I am not even finding it this time!” What the fuck is it? Turns out there is a day regular that, when he feels he is not getting enough attention, whips out his glass eyeball and hucks it at the bartender.

-Greg

cheap-ass

The following scenario or any scenario remotely similar to the following should not, under any circumstance, yield confusion:

me charging you for 5 drinks when you ordered 10….unless you thought you were getting them all comped…which wlll NEVER happen.

Note to all the confused: as long as you are being served by servers (who rely on tips to pay for life), getting hooked up for only half of the drinks consumed throughout the night really isn’t half bad.

-Heather

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