Mom go Home Your’re Drunk

How do you gracefully cut off your own mother when she has had too much to drink…Bartender problems.

-Chase

He Tried to Fight the Parking Lot, he Lost we all Won

A guy falls asleep at the bar, so I tell his friends that he has to go. They say no problem, but they need help getting him into the car. So I pick him up and basically carry him to their car, while the friend goes to the drivers side the guy sobers up enough to stand and looks me in the eye and asks “Is my dick hanging out?” I reluctantly look down and say “No” He says “Well it better be, cause I’m pissin’.”

His friends just put him in the car and come back inside and keep drinking. about two hours later “sleepy piss pants” comes back into the bar with asphalt burns all over his head, hands, arms. yelling about “Some black guys” that jumped him. We check the surveillance footage, and the “Black guys” ended up being the parking lot. He stumbled his way out of the vehicle onto the pavement and proceeded to fight the parking lot. He lost. We all won. I wish I had saved that footage.

-Bobby

Ummm Somebody is Overreacting

Today I had a customer order a dish that comes with vegetables and mash potatoes. He asked if he could have an extra side of mashed potatoes and I informed him it would be $2.50 extra. With a heavy sigh, he agreed.

Did you think I could just give you extra food for free?

Anyway, the kitchen informs me that we are out of mashed potatoes and have cubed ones instead. I inform the man this and he goes BERZERK!

Man : WHAT!! Are you serious? You seriously don’t have mashed potatoes? How do you run out of mashed potatoes? Is this serious?

Me: Well sir, there are only 2 dishes on the menu that come with mashed potatoes, so they don’t prepare that much in the morning. If you like though we have the cubed potatoes, or could could do extra vegetables or pasta.

Man: But I want mashed potatoes!

Me: I’m really sorry sir, is there anything we can substitute instead?

Man: No, I want mashed potatotes and I won’t be happy unless I get them.

Me: I’m sorry sir.

He then gets up and walks out. After him and his wife already drank all their drink and ate their salads.

REDICKKK

– Sofia

The Worst Wig I’ve Ever Seen

So this guy comes in to the bar wearing the worst wig I’ve ever seen. Like blow dried road kill. His head looks like one of those organic eggs that still has a feather on it.

I try my best not to look at it, but it’s practically growling at me. I say ‘Hello’. I take his drink order. I make his drink. I ring it up on the register, and without even noticing I say to him, “Okay sir, would you like to pay now or to pay later.”

-Ross

It Was an Accident

I accidentally banged my co-worker last night…

-Justine

Gimme a Yeasty Beer, I Need to Breast Feed

Bartending this afternoon when a 30 something mom plops her baby on my bar top and says “gimme a yeasty beer I need to breast feed” Uhhh how about the number to child services instead?

-Joel

Then You Should See My Balls

I have been bartending for years and heard all kinds of pickup lines. Sometimes I have to take a step back and realize how stupid some guys are.

Her (talking to her girlfriend): “I like a guy who shaves daily. Stubble is annoying.”

Him (interrupting the conversation): “Then you should see my balls.”

-Johnny

PEED HER PANTS

It gets pretty crazy at the bar I work at. One day a girl got so drunk she PEED HER PANTS, there was a huge puddle on and around her chair. Our bouncer asked her to leave but she just sat there in her dirty pee pants until the bouncer made her friends carry her out! bahaha

-Jerry

The Glass Hit Her in The Back of The Head!

I was a barback for 3 months at a VERY up scale hotel/restaurant/bar a year ago. These people were astoundingly rich, we charged people $8 a beer (minimum) and $19 for a shot of Patron and they would order them by the dozen. They thought they were invincible.

I was working one evening and it was particularly busy and the service was incredibly slow, like a “wait 10 minutes for the bartender to even glance at you” slow. Anyways, a guy comes up to me asking for another drink. I explained to him that I could not serve him because I was only a barback (it was easy to mistake people because we all wore the same uniform). It was very loud and what I thought he said back was “Can you just get me a drink of water?” So, I filled a glass up with water and gave it to the gentleman (probably around 45ish and I was 20). He immediately started screaming at me “FUCK YOU I SAID MY DRINK TASTES LIKE WATER GIVE ME ANOTHER DRINK!!” and threw the glass behind the bar  hitting one of the female bartenders in the back of the head. All of the bartenders went silent and out of nowhere one of them climbs over the bar and tackles the guy that threw the drink. Security dragged that asshole out of the bar never to be seen again.

-Daniel

Funny Old Lady

I bartend. One afternoon a middle aged couple came in with an old (80?) lady they referred to as Grandma. Grandma seemed a little confused and they talked to her like she was a child. The middle aged lady made a comment about being hungry and then Grandma says very loudly, “Have you ever been so hungry you could eat the ass out of a dead skunk?” I almost fell over behind the bar I was laughing so hard.

-Trevor